Bright Lights Big Planet – Planets 4 Sale-Episode 3
Rude awakening. Fiction. 2300 words, 12-minute read.
Reality drizzles on McGee’s parade.
The whole unfolding Planets 4 Sale saga can be found here: https://raytabler.substack.com/s/planets-4-sale-serial
Start here (1st Contact - Episode 1, Part 1): https://raytabler.substack.com/p/1st-contact-planets-4-sale-episode
Previous episode: Transit https://raytabler.substack.com/p/transit-planets-4-sale-episode-2
Next up: Episode 3 - No Human Need Apply.
Bright Lights Big Planet – Planets 4 Sale-Episode 3
By Ray Tabler
McGee didn’t know what to expect stepping through the gate. He purposely didn’t think about how his component atoms traveled some unspecified number of light-years in the blink of an eye. That kind of attitude might reduce a fellow to hysterics, worried if the alien device worked well enough to assemble every little bit of him back in the proper order on the other end. Discreetly, McGee checked to see if he still had two arms, two legs, and no other appendages suffered unwanted modification while zipping from Earth to the Galactic Federation’s capitol world, Malzooza.
“Wow!” Mitch gawked at the surrounding spectacle of the alien metropolis.
“Uh!” Eddie’s contribution was less articulate.
“Please exit the de-gating platform.” A robot voice intoned from some hidden speaker, accompanied by an insistent acoustical tone designed to induce movement.
“Boy’s, let’s do as the lady says. Otherwise, who knows what’s going to trample us the next time this sub-space subway pulls into the station.”
“Wha?” Mitch was still mesmerized by the scenery. Eddie too.
McGee didn’t blame them. It was a sight. The initial impression was similar to Times Square. If Times Square was stretched in all directions by a few miles, painted in Day-Glo colors, and stocked with alien beings of all descriptions. The plaza itself was lined with hundreds of gates identical to the one they’d just stepped through, blinking open and closed at random. Beings scurried into and out of the vertical rings, intent on getting to where they were going and ignoring all but what happened to get in the way. That mindset was comforting to McGee, having witnessed the same behavior by humans all over his home planet. Good to know that commuter rage was a universal constant.
“Boys, just look at this place!” McGee swept an arm at the surrounding hustle and bustle. “Why, if I can’t make a fortune here, I’ll eat my hat.”
“You’re not wearing a hat.” Mitch pointed out.
“I’ll find one soon enough.” McGee plowed on. “None of that three-card-Monty stuff, or selling trinkets, either. I’m going big, and I’m going legit, this time around...”
McGee shifted into high gear, mesmerized by the sound of his own voice. He paced back and forth, regaling Mitch and Eddie with schemes and ideas, half-baked and embryonic. Mitch and Eddie stood there, not grasping much of what was said, but increasingly enthusiastic about the advisability of being on Team McGee.
A few of the commuters hurrying by paused to blink at the odd spectacle. Some concluded McGee was preaching a new religion. Others took him to be a street performer. One, entertained, tossed him a coin before moving on. McGee snatched the coin out of the air, with practiced ease. The coin was some kind of dense plastic, not golden like the ones from Ace, the robot. McGee pocketed it anyway, to keep as a souvenir, the first profit made on a new world.
“Oh, just you stick with me, boys. We’ll be rolling diamonds as big as road apples...” McGee paused, raising his head and looking puzzled. “Did you hear that?”
“Hear what, Mr. McGee?” Eddie asked, waking from the spell.
“It sounded like English.” McGee pivoted his head, scanning the throng of commuters rushing by.
“Hello...” A faint voice drifted on the wind.
“There it is again.”
“I heard it too, this time.” Mitch looked puzzled.
A human pushed through the crowd, grinning. “People!”
“Welcome to the party, pal.” McGee stuck out his hand. “Name’s McGee. These two are Mitch and Eddie.”
“I’m Pradeep Gupta.” The newcomer shook hands with all three of them. “I thought I was the only human here. I’ve been wandering around for hours. Then I heard you over the crowd. Your voice does carry.”
“I’ll say.” Eddie muttered to Mitch. Who snorted.
McGee ignored the dissent in his ranks. “We just got here a little while ago, from New York City. Where are you from, Pradeep?”
“Mumbai. I’m a professor of physics there. At least I was. I told my department chair that we should all be traveling here, to see what we can learn from the aliens. He ordered me back to my office. So, I up and quit. Now I’m here.” Pradeep glanced about, as if the reality of his rash actions was just now catching up to him. “Here I am.”
“Prophet in his own land, and all that.” McGee shook his head, sadly. “We’re all kindred spirits, Pradeep, my friend. I was just telling the boys that we’re pioneers and first adopters. We’re all going to be rich!”
Pradeep viewed McGee through narrowed eyes, reconsidering associating with him after all. Even if there weren’t another human within some unknown number of light-years.
Eddie short-circuited that line of thought with a quiet, practical question. “Uh, where’re we gonna live?”
“Good point.” Pradeep frowned.
McGee shrugged. “Something I read said we get free room and board, as Federation citizens.”
Pradeep snapped his fingers. “I saw a public information kiosk a little while ago. Maybe that can tell us something.”
Following Pradeep, the group wove through the crowd in search of the kiosk. McGee’s roll aboard luggage rumbling over the slight texture of the plaza, drawing stares from passersby who maybe had never seen such a primitive contraption. After a few minutes Pradeep spotted the thing towering a few feet above the throng, like a light house. They made for it, and soon stood before the automated metal cylinder, rooted vertically in the pavement of the plaza.
“Uh, hello there.” McGee addressed a holo screen on the kiosk. “We’d like some information about available housing nearby.”
An alien face assembled from swirling pixels, and hovered in front of the screen. The face looked the humans up and down. “Public housing, I assume.”
Something about the way the kiosk said that annoyed McGee, but he let it slide. “Yeah. How ’bout a map?”
The holo switched to an aerial view of the plaza, with blinking green dots located in the structures located all around the flat, open area. “The green dots indicate public housing complexes with vacancies.”
The four humans peered at the map, then the city wrapped around them. In a few minutes they’d oriented themselves, and picked a destination, more or less at random, but influenced by distance. Not familiar with the ins and outs of local public transportation yet, they walked, breaking the waves of busy commuters like a cross-sea. McGee intentionally did not thank the kiosk. He didn’t like the AI’s attitude.
“Hello. Anybody home?” McGee called through the open door off one side of the building’s lobby.
The other three humans gawked at the atrium, which rose seven or eight levels above them. Frankly, they were happy to be inside. The neighborhood, although futuristic, made Mitch and Eddie nervous. The farther from the transit plaza, the higher the density of sullen, idle aliens, leaning against buildings and watching them pass with threatening eyes, eyestalks, and otherwise more exotic sensory organs. Pradeep kept his gaze straight ahead. McGee plowed on, dragging his luggage as if he hadn’t a care in the world.
McGee raised his hand to rap on the door jam, when the landlord (landlady? landbeing?) oozed out into the lobby. He/she/it resembled a six-foot-tall pink Jello mold, complete with unidentifiable debris floating withing the transparent goo. Whether those were internal organs or breakfast being processed was not readily apparent. Due to the pink color, McGee decided the Jello mold was female.
“Hello there, madame. We’re interested in a room.”
A membrane formed near the top of the Jello, and vibrated. “I’m Olzuze. I run this place.” Olzuze extruded a pseudopod with an eyeball at the end of it. She pivoted the eye to examine the humans. “Public housing.” It wasn’t a question.
“Why, yes. We just got here from Earth. Our planet is—” McGee began.
“Never heard of it.” Olzuze interrupted, sliming across the lobby to a wide opening in the far wall. “Follow me.”
The human hurried to keep up, surprised at how fast Olzuze traveled, and careful not to step in the slick trail she left on the floor. Olzuze passed through the open doorway, and immediately began to rise out of sight. McGee and Pradeep, being right behind her, peered up an open vertical shaft, with their new landlady floating up, floor by floor, like a helium balloon.
“Remarkable.” Pradeep breathed.
“What’re ya waiting for?” Olzuze’s voice echoed from above.
Gulping, McGee stepped into the shaft, and rose. “Wow! Kind of tickles.”
Once McGee’s feet disappeared from sight, the other three humans reluctantly followed. When she reached the opening for the fifth floor, Olzuze extruded a pair of pseudopods and dragged herself out of the shaft. McGee did the same, with his free arm. Pradeep, Mitch, and Eddie all managed to repeat the procedure, grateful to feel a solid floor below their feet once again.
Although a sentient Jello mold, their new landlady somehow radiated an annoyed impatience once all four humans exited the lift shaft. “This way.”
Down a long, long corridor Olzuze eventually stopped in front of a blank stretch of wall, with a number on it, 5694. A pseudopod oozed out and touched the wall below the number, leaving a wet spot. An oval section of wall retracted, and Olzuze slid through. The humans followed, worried that the wall would shut up again, stranding them in the long, bare corridor.
Unit 5694 was not exactly cramped, but certainly not spacious. A common room sported a pair of couches which literally grew from the floor. There was no window. A holo screen covered one entire wall. Olzuze pointed out the amenities, forming and retracted appendages without bothering to turn her body.
“This is a two bed room unit.” She indicated a pair of closed doors, set side by side. “Two beds per room. Sanitary facilities, designed for a wide variety of species through there. Dining nook over here.”
McGee pivoted his head, taking in the place. “Where’s the kitchen?”
Olzuze extruded her eyestalk again and focused it on McGee. She oozed across the floor, and snatched a plastic bowl from a shelf. Emerging from the wall next to the shelf was a spigot, about five feet off the floor, and right below a yellow circle on the wall. Olzuze held the bowl below the spigot, and pressed another pseudo pod to the yellow circle. Gray paste flowed from the spigot into the bowl. Olzuze handed the half-full bowl to McGee.
“That’s your publicly-provided, nutrient-rich nourishment. You can have all of it want. Just press the yellow circle.”
McGee rolled the gray sludge around in the bottom of the bowl. It seemed to have the viscosity of heavy motor oil on a chilly day. He sniffed. There was no smell to the stuff. Upon reflection, that was probably for the best.
“Isn’t there anything else to eat?”
“Sure.” Olzuze answered. “If you’ve got the credits to pay for it.”
“Oh,” McGee brightened. “That’s no problem.” He reached into a pocket to extract one of his gold coins. With a flourish, McGee tossed the coin to Olzuze.
The landlady extruded a pseudopod with amazing speed and snagged the coin out of the air. “What’s this?”
“Why, that’s pure gold.” McGee smiled.
“Gold? Where’d you get it?”
“Robot friend of mine minted up a big pile of ’em for me, back on Earth.” McGee replied, exuding the confidence of a rich man.
After a few moments, the humans realized Olzuze was laughing. Her whole gelatinous body shook, rippling with waves that interfered with each other to reinforce and cancel out amplitude. “You primitive idiots! Watch this.” Olzuze moved to a flat, horizontal surface below a control panel inset on a wall. She placed the gold coin on the surface. “System, give me three more, just like that one.”
The air above the surface shimmered briefly, and cleared to show four gold coins, side by side. Olzuze extruded pseudo pods, and tossed one coin to each human. Pradeep and Eddie managed to catch theirs. Mitch bobbled his. McGee, in shock, watched his sail past and hit the wall before bouncing and rolling on the dingy floor.
Pradeep stared at the coin in his hand. “I must find out how this is done!”
“Here on modern planets, we can fabricate up any material, in any shape, for a small fee. These four are on the house. It’s worth it. Haven’t laughed so hard in weeks. You can learn all about it. Just ask the system. It’ll explain anything in mind-numbing detail. That kind of info is free for the asking.” Olzuze oozed over to the big holo screen. “System, display the rules.”
A long list of rules popped into existence in the holo screen. They included conditions like no overnight guests, no loud music past twenty-seven o’clock, no parties, no disturbances, no pets, no illegal substances, no illegal activities, no humzoners... Whatever humzoners were.
Pradeep, Mitch, and Eddie stared at the scrolling list.
“There sure are a lot of them.” Mitch gulped.
“There sure are.” The landlady scoffed. “And the list gets longer every time one of you idiots figures out another way to get into trouble. Don’t bother reading them right now. If you don’t agree, you don’t get to stay here. I’ll need a verbal concurrence from each tenant. Just say, I agree.”
Pradeep, Mitch, and Eddie chorused, as they stared at the list. “I agree.”
Olzuze slimed over to McGee, who frowned at the worthless gold coin between the toes of his shoes. “How about you?”
Without looking up, McGee said, “I agree,” in a meek voice.
“That’ll do the job.” Olzuze plowed for the door, which opened in front of her. “Enjoy your stay.” The door closed behind her.
Hands in his pockets, McGee kicked the gold coin across the floor. “This is gonna be tougher than I thought.”
END.
The whole unfolding Planets 4 Sale saga can be found here: https://raytabler.substack.com/s/planets-4-sale-serial
Start here (1st Contact - Episode 1, Part 1): https://raytabler.substack.com/p/1st-contact-planets-4-sale-episode
Previous episode: Transit https://raytabler.substack.com/p/transit-planets-4-sale-episode-2
Next up: Episode 3 - No Human Need Apply.
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This is entertaining! McGee is the consummate tacky hustler. No doubt he’ll make it in this new world by hook, crook, or just dumb luck.
Looking forward to the next bumbling installment in this misadventure.
"...Our planet is..." "Never heard of it."
So we're not THAT special to that part of the universe, obviously.