Captain McGee's Crash Course in Colonization – Planets 4 Sale-Episode 7
“Red devils and income tax!” Fiction. 3200 words, 16-minute read.
This episode runs a bit longer than normal. McGee’s dealing with some issues, and a rocky start top his business venture.
The whole unfolding Planets 4 Sale saga can be found here: https://raytabler.substack.com/s/planets-4-sale-serial
Start here (1st Contact - Episode 1, Part 1): https://raytabler.substack.com/p/1st-contact-planets-4-sale-episode
Previous episode: Old Flame and a New Leaf https://raytabler.substack.com/p/old-flame-new-leaf-planets-4-sale
Next up: Episode 8 – Customer Complaints. https://raytabler.substack.com/p/customer-complaints-planets-4-sale
Captain McGee Crash Course in Colonization
By Ray Tabler
"But McGee, I still do not understand why we could not have just brought a robot to pilot the ship."
"Believe me Pradeep, it's not a good idea. Those robots are more trouble than they're worth."
"You do not you like robots, do you?" Pradeep asked, crossing his arms.
"No. No, that's not true." McGee denied hastily, glancing nervously around at the walls of the starship's control room. "I like robots, really, I do. They just don't fit into our business model. That's all."
Pradeep remained gloomily silent.
"Look here Pradeep; you're the smartest guy I know. You found this ship in that junkyard and got it running. You've gotten us this far, and I got a feeling that the planet we're about to land on is going to be the one for us."
"I hope so McGee. We are almost out of fuel. I did not come all the way from Delhi to end up stranded on some on some wild planet in the middle of nowhere."
"Trust me Pradeep. This will be the one. Find someplace tropical on the planet and set us down. Call me when we've landed. I'll be down in the cargo bay making sure the boys have got the gate ready to roll out." McGee slapped his pilot/engineer on the back and headed for the hatch.
"Okay. Fine. Whatever you say, Boss." Pradeep muttered dubiously as he began flipping switches and punching in coordinates.
McGee stepped out into the corridor. As the hatch slid closed behind him with a faint hissing sound, someone slammed into McGee and pinned him spread-eagle against the bulkhead. McGee reacted instinctively and began to struggle, until his assailant grabbed him by the hair and kissed him passionately on the lips.
When Ludmilla Ponteskova came up for air she asked in a low, husky voice, "McGee. We got trouble?"
"No, Milla. There's no trouble." McGee struggled to reply coherently as Ludmilla slid her sleek body down slightly and began alternately kissing and biting his neck. "I was just giving Pradeep a little pep talk, you know. Poor guy gets a little nervous now and then."
Milla looked daggers at the hatch that led to the control room. "He's too jumpy, McGee my love. Jumpy people make me jumpy." In a flash, a neuro-disruptor pistol as long as her forearm was in her hand. "You want me to zap him, McGee? I zap him good." The last word was a drawn-out whisper as her long fingers stroked the silicon titanium barrel of the pistol.
"No, Milla baby, don't go zapping Pradeep. He's one of the good guys." McGee reached out and gently pushed the pistol's muzzle away from his nose.
"Okay." Milla holstered the disruptor with a pout.
"Don't worry, Milla. If I want somebody zapped, you'll be the first to know. You're my right-hand gal."
"Yeah." Milla went back to his neck.
"Hey, baby, I hate to break this up. But, we're about to make planet fall and I'll need you to help me check the place out. Why don't you go dig around in your toy box and meet me in the cargo bay?"
Ludmilla pinned McGee against the bulkhead again and hungrily locked lips with him. Then she patted him on the cheek. "Okay baby cakes; see you in the cargo bay."
McGee watched Ludmilla's slim, curvy form slink down the corridor and around a bend, silent and supple as a stalking tiger and ten times as deadly. As he peeled himself off of the bulkhead, smoothed his hair and straightened his clothing, McGee muttered breathlessly to the empty corridor. "Steady McGee, steady."
The cavernous cargo bay was more than half filled by an interstellar matter transfer gate strapped down on an anti-grav sled the size of a bus. Two chubby young men were sitting on the deck next to the sled, watching a holo display that floated in mid-air.
"Boys!" McGee called. "Shut that boob tube off and up and at 'em. We're about to land. I want that gate ready to roll as soon as Milla and I give you the all clear."
Mitch and Eddie got up off the floor and reluctantly turned off the holo.
"What's this planet supposed to be like, Boss?" Mitch asked.
"Just perfect boys, survey reports say it's just what we're looking for." McGee answered, checking the status panel on the sled.
"Gee Boss; the survey reports said that about the other planets too." Eddie spoke up. "Mitch walked down the ramp on that one planet and started turning blue."
"Yeah, and that big lizard thing tried to eat Eddie on that planet with the purple sky."
"He spit you back out again, now, didn't he?" McGee pointed out. "We hosed you off and you were good as new."
"Well, uh, yeah he did. But how come the survey reports say all these places are so great? We've run into trouble every time so far."
"I tell you; those survey crews get a bonus for finding planets that are suitable to colonize. Apparently, it doesn't pay for them to look too close at a place, once they find one."
Eddie persisted. "But boss, how do we know that any of them are—”
"We got trouble, McGee?" Ludmilla interrupted from a catwalk high on the cargo bay's wall.
Mitch and Eddie suddenly got very busy checking that the gate was strapped down properly. Ludmilla vaulted the catwalk railing and landed in a crouch next to McGee. She was wearing combat boots, skin tight pants and a halter top. Her long, black hair was tied in a pony tail with a length of piano wire. A considerable variety of blasters, disruptors and sonic grenades hung from her harness, and belts of power charge cartridges draped across her chest.
"No trouble, baby." McGee reassured. "Nice outfit."
"This old thing? Just something I threw on." She watched Mitch and Eddie warily out of the corner of her eye.
Pradeep's voice echoed from the speaker above the outer door. "We are landing now. I am going to switch off the artificial gravity." The decking shifted under their feet as the ship settled onto the planet. The local gravity was slightly below one gee.
"What's the lowdown, Pradeep?" McGee asked eagerly.
"The atmosphere is breathable. Temperature is quite pleasant. Radiation, chemical, and biological readings are all well within optimum ranges."
"Well, what's it look like?"
"It looks like Hawaii out there . . . if the vegetation in Hawaii was blue."
"Hawaii? Hot dog! Pop the hatch, Eddie!"
Eddie, looking like he'd rather not, worked the controls to lower the big cargo door so that it formed a ramp to the sandy soil of the new planet. The opened hatch revealed a sweeping vista of lush blue foliage. A sparkling beach lined an inviting lagoon in the distance. Rugged mountains rose from the far side of the lagoon. An ocean rippled with waves under a cloud-flecked sky.
"What'd I tell you, boys? Luck of the Irish." McGee swept an arm at the view.
Ludmilla crept down the ramp, a pistol in each hand. Mitch and Eddie peered around the edge of the open cargo hatch, ready to dive for cover.
By the time McGee strolled to the bottom of the ramp Ludmilla had completed her initial circuit. "Looks okay." She reported, visibly disappointed.
"Milla says the place is safe for democracy, boys." McGee called through a cupped hand. "Float that gate down here and set it over on that rise."
The group followed the massive gate-on-a-sled to the top of a small knoll closer to the lagoon.
"Swing it around this way." McGee instructed. I want the exit facing the water." He clambered up to stand inside the gate frame and held his hands at arm's length, palms out, thumbs touching. "Perfect. This will be the first thing the colonists see when they step through."
"We should blast down some of these trees to make a more defensible position." Ludmilla advised.
"What? No, that'd ruin the view." McGee shook his head. "We should name this planet. How does New Kauai sound?"
"It already has a name." Pradeep said, bringing up his calibration equipment on a meter-square anti-grav sled. "The survey report says the name is Shmaldathia."
"Would you rather shell out your life savings for a homestead on some slag heap called Shmaldathia, or on the tropical paradise world of New Kauai?" McGee did a brief imitation of a hula dancer.
"It is the same place, no matter what you call it." Pradeep asserted sullenly as he shooed McGee out of the gate frame and began hooking up the calibration equipment.
"You have got a lot to learn about the art of marketing, my friend." McGee retorted.
"I think I already know more than I want to." Pradeep said with his hands on his hips. "Are these addressing codes valid?"
"Sure, they are. Don't worry. I know a guy who knows a guy in Matter Transfer Control. It cost a few credits, but they're valid codes."
"They had better be, McGee, or we are stuck here. Now go away. This will take several hours, if I can work in peace."
"Work fast. We've got hordes of eager colonists just waiting to give us their money."
Pradeep mumbled something unkind about colonists as he got to work.
McGee noticed Mitch and Eddie standing around looking at the blue foliage. He threw his arms around their shoulders. "You boys have been working pretty hard. Why don't you take a break and go swimming in the lagoon?"
Mitch looked pale. Eddie gulped. "If it's all the same to you Boss, we'll wait on the ship." They both bolted for the cargo ramp.
McGee shook his head. "Kids these days have no sense of adventure."
"Maybe they just don't want to be eaten by whatever sea monsters are in that lagoon." Ludmilla speculated.
"Well, I ain't scared, Milla baby. I got you to protect me." McGee waggled his eyebrows. "Wanna go skinny dippin'?"
Ludmilla smiled and looked as if she was about to consent, when she spotted movement over his shoulder. "We got trouble, McGee."
What appeared to be a human male was walking their way from the beach.
"Red devils and income tax! Somebody's already here." He swore softly. "Let me do all the talking Milla." He squared his shoulders and strode towards the stranger. "Howdy! Welcome to the neighborhood, Pal."
"It is I who should welcome you. I am a native of this planet, and I represent its inhabitants, the Klehura."
"Gee pal, the survey report said that this planet was deserted."
"Yes, we watched the survey crew come and go. We are a cautious species, and did not show ourselves. Our scientists examined the equipment the crew left behind and were able to construct a hyperspace signal receiver, from which we learned your Galactic language."
"Hmm," grunted McGee, struggling to come to grips with this change in the situation. "That was quite a trick, hiding your whole civilization from the survey ship."
"Oh, it wasn't all that hard. We live far underground. There was a global nuclear war here a number of centuries ago. My people burrowed deep to survive. By the time the radiation level dropped low enough the surface looked like this."
The Klehuran slapped the large flat leaf of a nearby lush, blue tree. "Isn't it pathetic? The whole surface is like this. We've sterilized entire continents to try and restore the original environment of mosses and lichen, but these mutated plants keep growing back, no matter what we do. Finally, we just gave up and don't come to the surface anymore. Fortunately, we've adapted to life in our caverns."
"So, you don't use the surface nowadays?" McGee asked,
"Not as such." The Klehuran answered warily.
"Maybe, you wouldn't mind renting some of it out?"
The Klehuran crossed his arms. "Just because we don't use it doesn't mean we want a bunch of aliens running around up here."
"Ha!" Suddenly Ludmilla drew her neuro-disruptor pistol and shot the native with a yellow lightning bolt. He dissolved into a cloud of black specks.
McGee blinked hard, twice. "Say doll face, that's one heck of a negotiating style you got there. I think it needs a bit of fine tuning, though. Since now we don't have anybody to negotiate with!"
Ludmilla spat something Slavic and profane as she checked the selector dial on the side of her pistol. "I thought I had it set on low power."
"Low power my eye! He disintegrated."
"Yeah, I never seen that happen before. But he was going for a gun! I swear he was."
"Milla baby, they're going to want more money, now that we've zapped their ambassador."
"He was going for gun!" Ludmilla protested.
The cloud of black specks coalesced into a human shape and slowly transformed back into the Klehuran ambassador. "Wow!" he gasped. "What was that?"
McGee was surprised, but recovered quickly. "Sorry about that, your Honor. Milla's gun went off by accident. You're not hurt, are you?"
"No. On the contrary, that felt good."
"Good?" McGee exclaimed. "Brother, after a shot like that, you ought to be down and twitching like the Dow-Jones on judgment day. It should have fried your central nervous system."
"Oh well, that explains it. I don't have a central nervous system. What you saw, the black specks, is what we really look like. I can assume any form." To demonstrate, the Klehuran's face quickly morphed into that of a handsome and popular holo star. "I'm what you would call a hive mind of all of the tiny selves you saw."
"Hive mind, eh? Does that mean I'm talking to all of the Klehura right now?" McGee asked.
"No. Individuals cluster together to form hive minds. We are a community of corporate beings. But, never mind that. That device stimulated me in a way that nothing else ever has. It was like reproduction, only much, much better. Do you think you could, what do you call it, zap me, again?"
“Sure.” Milla raised her weapon.
Inspiration dawned on McGee's face. He reached out to push Ludmilla's weapon aside. "Hold the phone Milla baby. You're not zapping anyone . . . for free."
***
Five days later the monsters attacked the new colony. They came lumbering out of the lagoon, scaled, and dripping muck from the sea floor. Three meters tall, the ravenous creatures charged the rough, prefab shelters of the new community, bellowing in rage.
Fortunately, the colonists had just set up their perimeter defenses of neuro-disruptor canon. The canon spat yellow lightning bolts into the terrible horde of monsters. The disruptor bolts exploded one after another of the beasts into clouds of black specks that blew out to sea on the wind, until they were all gone. The jubilant colonists cheered with the sheer relief of survival.
"We owe you a great deal." The matriarch of the colonists shook McGee's hand vigorously. "If you hadn't happened to have those disruptor canon on hand, we'd all be monster chow right now."
"All in a day's work, ma'am." McGee replied humbly. "The real hero is the local expert I hired for you." McGee nodded to the handsome man powering down one of the disruptors with Ludmilla. "Listen to him. He's got a sixth sense about when these things will attack."
"And he looks just like a holo star." The matriarch commented absently before remembering her dignity. "On behalf of the Council of Elders here is your final payment, with a ten percent bonus, which I think you have earned, Captain McGee."
"Pleasure doing business with you, ma'am." McGee tucked the payment away. "We have urgent matters to attend to some light years away, so I'll take my leave now."
McGee strolled over to Ludmilla. She gently kissed him on the lips.
"What wrong, Milla baby? That's the first time you haven't tried to suck my tonsils out."
Ludmilla, her skin still flushed from the recent monster zapping, smoothed a wrinkle in McGee's shirt. "I got bad news for you McGee. I'm staying here." She was looking past McGee, at the handsome local expert. "The ambassador needs my help."
"Milla baby, I— “
"Shh darling, don't speak." Ludmilla put a finger to McGee's lips. "At least we'll always have our memories of the time we spent together in Cleveland."
***
McGee came walking up the cargo ramp with his hands in his pockets. Pradeep waited for him.
"How long do you it’s going to take for these people to figure out what is really going on here, McGee?"
"It might be quite a while, Pradeep old bean. Those homesteaders were having one hell of a time zapping monsters this morning. Once they do figure things out, if they're smart, they'll keep quiet about it and start running monster zapping safaris for offworlders. It could be a real money maker."
Pradeep just stared at him with a sour look on his face.
McGee sighed and shrugged. "I figure we'll have just enough time to swing by civilization and cash their check. After that, we should lay low for a bit until the excitement dies down. We should pick up another gate while we're at it. I know a guy—”
"Who knows a guy. Yes, McGee, I've heard it all before. Where is that trigger-happy bitch, Ludmilla?"
"Sad story, Pradeep, Milla's cast me aside for another. She's staying here."
"You do not seem all that broken-hearted about this, McGee."
"Well, I am. I might appear to be tough as nails, but I'm really just an old softy, down deep. It's a small galaxy. Who knows, Pradeep? We might run in to her again, somewhere."
"What a scary thought that is. Let's get the hell out of here before she changes her mind. I am going to lift ship in about five minutes. You better get this hatch shut." The pilot headed for the bridge.
McGee sighed and took a last look at New Kauai. Ludmilla burst out of the trees at a sprint.
"Milla honey, I thought you already said your goodbyes."
"I did, McGee. I'm un-saying them." She seized him and tried to suck his tonsils out.
"What about the Ambassador?" McGee gasped after a moment.
"Him?" Ludmilla looked down her aristocratic nose in the general direction of the new colony. "Soon as you left, he starts begging me to zap him. It made me feel dirty. Besides, I would get bored zapping same people all the time. It's just not right."
"Always somebody new to zap with me." McGee agreed. "And baby?"
"Yeah, McGee."
"You can always be sure that I'll never want you to zap me."
"Oh, McGee!" Ludmilla nearly knocked him over hugging him.
"Milla baby, we better get inside. Pradeep wants to blast off before you change your mind about staying."
She laughed a mischievously evil laugh. "Oh please, let me tell him." Ludmilla was headed for the bridge before he could reply.
McGee chuckled, and then called. "Mitch, Eddie! Shake a leg, boys. We've got three more batches of dewy-eyed colonists waiting in escrow and a tall stack of survey reports to go yet!"
END of Episode 7.
Next Episode: Customer Complaints.
The whole unfolding Planets 4 Sale saga can be found here: https://raytabler.substack.com/s/planets-4-sale-serial
Start here (1st Contact - Episode 1, Part 1): https://raytabler.substack.com/p/1st-contact-planets-4-sale-episode
Previous episode: Old Flame and a New Leaf https://raytabler.substack.com/p/old-flame-new-leaf-planets-4-sale
Next up: Episode 8 – Customer Complaints. https://raytabler.substack.com/p/customer-complaints-planets-4-sale
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McGee seems like one of those city-slicker con men types from Hollywood movies made between the late 1920s and WW2. Somehow him referring to Mitch and Eddie as "boys" has reinforced that idea.